I’ve always known that I didn’t understand how other people looked at the world. I really don’t like talking about this, mainly because of people’s reactions more than anything, but I have to say this because it does factor into all this. I was a gifted child. I was always one of the top students in my class. While most people would think that was great, I put more pressure on myself to always be the best. When I didn’t have the highest grade or I wasn’t the first one done with a test, I thought something was wrong with me. I made my intelligence be my whole reason for existing.

After high school, I wasn’t sure what to do because I didn’t have a goal in front of me anymore. First, I went to college to study music education, thinking that I wanted to be a high school band director. After failing out during my sophomore year, I went home, regrouped, and then decided to pursue psychology in an effort to figure out what was wrong with me. I never did finish college, nor did I ever learn enough to properly diagnose myself. I just went through life aimlessly from job to job thinking that was all there was for me.

In the spring of 2024, I had some testing done, and I found out that I have several quirks (which, didn’t surprise me at all, I mean, that’s why I got tested). I have Anxiety and Depression, which I have dealt with since I was a teenager. I also have ADHD, which for me means that my thoughts just kind of flitter through my head at a super-fast pace, which, at times can be beneficial. Sometimes I can hold onto them; sometimes, I can’t, and that’s frustrating, to say the least. But the two diagnoses that surprised me were Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) and Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD).

I’m not going to go into how I was… blessed with these quirks. Maybe some other time, but for now all I will say is that as a kid, I had some things happen to me that I didn’t fully understand at the time, and it really messed with my head. One thing I am grateful for is the fact that my home was always safe. I know a lot of people never had that luxury, but every member of my family actually did their best to keep me protected.

Right before I got my diagnoses, I had just started seeing a therapist. She has helped me reclaim my life. Before I knew what was going on with me, I was so ashamed every time I got angry. Now, I understand that I am going to get angry, I just have to figure out what to do with that anger. Is it worth entertaining or is it just my default emotion? I can be upset with myself for the things I can’t change, or I can change the way I react to the things I can’t change.

So, this website is a change in my reactions. For now, it’s a shop and my blog. But I would like to turn this into an online community. I want people to have fun here, and I want this to be a place where people feel safe as well; a place where people are free to be themselves and share and learn and grow. Please let me know if anything I have said resonates with you. I just want to leave this place a little bit better than it was before I got here, and I feel like I have a lot of time to make up for. Take a look around, and if you smile at anything, please share so I may have a chance to make others smile as well!

Male Eastern Bluebird sitting on top of a bright red hummingbird feeder.