From as far back as I can remember, fitting into the world required conscious effort. I’ve always felt like social interactions never came easy to me, and I have always had to second guess my every decision. Every word had to be weighed, every reaction measured, every emotion scrutinized. And the older I got, the more I noticed that anger felt especially dangerous. I believed I wasn’t allowed to show it, because when I did, it consumed me, and I barely recognized myself. And I wasn’t the only one. The people around me didn’t understand what was happening. I could see it in their faces. They weren’t looking at the overwhelmed young man they once knew; they were looking at a stranger.

So, I figured out my solution: don’t get angry. It’s as simple as that. If I didn’t allow myself to get mad, I wouldn’t have to worry about making people uncomfortable. I taught myself to deflect anger with laughter. When someone would say something mean to me, I would try to make them laugh. When I felt anger welling up inside me, I’d push it down and say something ridiculous. And if all else failed, I would run away.

No matter what I did, I would eventually get angry, and always at the worst times. I can’t tell you how many times I ruined a vacation or a dinner or even a friendship with an outburst. And every time I would blow up and make things awkward, I would get ashamed and tell myself I have to do better and try even harder not to get angry. It was a never-ending loop of bad choices that I thought I was never going to be able to escape from. All because I thought I was bad at being human. I couldn’t figure out why no matter how hard I tried, I always ended up getting mad.

Then I got my diagnosis: anxiety, depression, ADHD, PTSD, and BPD (you can find more information about how Borderline Personality Disorder [BPD] has affected my journey here). I felt like I was finally given the correct instruction manual for my life. Once I was able to step back and actually look through the right lens, everything started making more sense. I’ve been going to therapy, gotten on the right medications for me, and finally started giving myself the grace I’d long been denied by others.

Having one or more mental health condition is not the worst thing in the world. It doesn’t mean that you are a failure, or that your life is over. It may mean that you have to take more steps to achieve the same goal as other people, or that you may have to approach a problem from a different angle than most would. Sometimes, that can lead you to finding new answers or even new questions.

My life didn’t magically become perfect when I was diagnosed, but with effort, it has become better. As far as I know, there is no pill that will make you wake up with zero problems, and I don’t think there’s a spell or potion that will erase them either. There is, however, an art to being human, and I don’t have it figured out yet. But I’ll keep passing on the things that I think are important. If you want, you can let me know anything that you think I need to know in the comments below. Also, please come back and see what else I have to say later. I hope you’ll take a second to check out my shops, and if I’ve made you smile, please share my site so that I get the chance to make others smile too!

Brown piebald tabby cat looking out a window, as seen from behind the cat